Yes, every parent wants what’s best for their child. And yes, the child doesn’t always agree with what their parents think it’s best for them. Family is one of the most important things for human beings. But, as children grow up, they want to be their own people. And as parents grow old, they want to keep that parental bond alive.

Even though everyone wants only the best, the idea of “best” might differ. Thus, communication gaps can cause a lot of problems in a parent-child relationship and leave both sides feeling misunderstood, left out, not appreciated, or valued.

In this blog post, we will go through the parent-child relationship, their gaps in communication, and ways to overcome them.

Why does the gap happen?

No matter how hard parents may try, they will always fall short in some capacity in meeting their children’s needs. This is quite normal and expected.

From the beginning of their life, children are constantly in communication with their parents. They take on their traits, listen to their words, and mimic their behavior, both consciously and unconsciously. When the child is just a kid, the parents are the representation of “the norm” of what it is to be a grown-up. As they grow, they start to see parents more realistically, with all their positive and negative traits. Naturally, they become their own independent people, wanting to do things their way, not their parent’s way. Additionally, the more independent children become, the more they realize their parents could have done “something else” to give them a better future. They get closer to their parents’ age of parenting, and may even grieve the life they “could have had” if their parents were “more perfect.”

The communication gap happens as a result of the different views and needs of children vs. parents. Research found that most of the time, it’s the children that are not happy with the relationship – they feel pressured, not understood, or patronized. Parents, on the other hand, feel left out, not cared for, and unheard by their children.

What are the common conflicts between parents and children?

Even though problems that arise are always dependent on the two sides of that communication, there are some broad conflict topics between parents and children.

Lifestyle

On the top of this list is lifestyle outlook. The generation gap between parents and children makes it harder for them to understand each other. For parents, new things usually seem like bad things, while for kids, old ways of functioning are just that – old.

So, very often parents will try to push their views about lifestyle to their kids. They feel that their life experience has thought them right, and wish to share that with their children. But, sometimes these words of wisdom are combined with expressions of disappointment or disapproval of the childs’ lifestyle.

Past experiences and family crises

In a family, past experiences and problems can build up if not resolved. The unresolved emotions about what happened in the past will linger on and gradually turn into general dislike and low levels of tolerance. With time, even the smallest of disharmonies can provoke a lot of explosive emotions.

If some past family crises disturb the parent-child relationship, they need to be clearly stated and openly discussed. Usually, these problems are complex and require the helping hand of a therapist.

Marital status or offspring

Another frequent source of conflict is the marital status of the child. As parents grow old, they want grandchildren to look after. It gives them a sense of stability and productivity. So, they repeatedly nag their children into marriage or having offspring.

For the child, this can be a very frustrating conversation – they might not feel ready, they might not have a serious partner; they might want a career, or simply do not feel like being parents.

Economic stability and career

Opposed to marital status or offspring, the topic of career and economic stability can too be a conflict zone. Parents that have been growing up or forming a family poor, are very prone to persuading their children to work and be rich.

It does come from a good place, but children can react negatively to this conversation. The social structure and economic market are changing rapidly, so even if they strive for, becoming rich can be very hard. The problem deepens if the child is not even trying to build a career or doesn’t want to work at all.

How can you bridge the gap in communication?

There are a few pieces of advice you can take to improve communication with your parents or children.

Make efforts to understand the opposing point of view

If you try to understand how and why the other side feels or thinks a certain way, you can more easily relate to them and their side. With that, you have better chances at seeing the situation from a third perspective and thus, evaluate it objectively.

Though hard, it’s important to still feel connected to the other person, even in conflict. “Us against each other” will only deepen miscommunication. “Us against the problem” will offer solidarity and a sense of togetherness.

Express your feelings in the most accurate way possible and actively listen

If we express our feeling in their entirety, we increase the chances of finding understanding, support, and resolution.

Talk to your parent or child and tell them what you think. Not with yelling, blaming, pointing fingers, or disapproving. Instead, try to calmly share what’s on your mind, what you like, and what you dislike about the communication with the other.

Also, please note the language barrier. How we perceive certain words, constructs or abstract ideas is not universal for everyone. So, if you tried to explain something that wasn’t understood, you might not have explained it in the language of the listener.

The other aspect of good communication is active listening. Don’t listen to reply, listen to understand. Give efforts to understand the other, ask questions if something is not understood, and reply honestly, but nicely.

Give something to get something

Communication very often is about making compromises. The problem is rarely entirely up to one of the sides. Most of the time is both of them. So, try to do compromises. Give something and get something.

Get the help of a therapist

Let’s be honest. You might’ve been trying to resolve your communication issues for years, with no positive outcome. The tricky part about family communication is that it’s not simply cut if it doesn’t work. Children and parents still communicate (or they would like to communicate) because they are deeply connected. But, the conversation is filled with negative emotions. Words said, and actions done, just pile and pile. So, oftentimes, it is a good idea to get the help of a professional.

A good therapist can guide both sides through their emotions; help them understand themselves and each other; ease the communication and give tools for better future contact. Don’t wait until things go out of control, start working on your communication timely.

In short:

Do you need to find more appropriate ways to resolve conflicts between grown children and parents? Usually, it’s about open communication with active listening and honest speaking. No matter if it is different opinions about lifestyle, past family trauma, marital status, having grandchildren, working, or pursuing a certain career path – the problems are there.

With the help of a therapist, grown children and parents can build a bridge over differences, set healthy boundaries, openly express, and be heard.