We all aspire to have our “tribe”. A support group of close people, family, and friends, who know us, accept us, and motivate us. But, unfortunately, things don’t always work out. Some people can simply not accept us as we are. Although it’s “out of love,” our friends and family may not understand what it’s like to finally live our true self.

This dynamic is especially hard for individuals from the LGBTQ community. While there are a lot of LGBTQ  folks who have a wonderful social support circle, others are not as lucky.

If you find yourself to be in this second group, and are becoming more and more pushed aside or misunderstood, read on. In this blog post, we will try to help our LGBTQ clients set and maintain boundaries with friends or family members who don’t understand or accept their sexuality.

How to deal with unaccepting friends and family

People say that you can’t choose your family, but thankfully – you can choose your friends. If you have friends who simply can’t come to terms with your sexuality or lifestyle, know that there are many other ways of meeting folks who may come from similar backgrounds and have similar orientations that will be more accepting as well.

Things are more complicated with family members though. Even though you can cut ties with family members, the decision is usually  difficult and hurtful for all parts of the family system.

Before saying farewell, these are some of the steps you can take to bring more harmony to your friends and family relationships:

Be aware of what it is that you need

The first thing to do is to check where you stand with what’s happening in your relationships. What is it that you look for in a family or friend relationship? What do you receive in reality? Have you communicated that with the other person? What triggers you? What triggers the other person?

Answering these questions can give you a good idea of what it is that you mutually trigger in each other. Often, friends and family disagree with what you’re saying or doing because they come from a position of loving you or trying to change you to shelter you from pain. Another part of disagreement may come from a place of grief over the “type” of relationship you had with your family member. Sometimes our family may hear things in the media, and be uninformed about our identities.

Once you know exactly what you need and what you receive; what the other person needs and what he/she receives; what are your mutual triggers; you can move on to the next section of our blog.

Express your feelings and communicate in a calm manner

Very often, we tend to expect others to know right away what it is that we need, without having to communicate that. So, if you want to better your communication with your unaccepting friends or family members, talk to them. Express your feelings and your expectations, tell them what it is that you like and don’t like in your communication, and ask for the support you need.

If you calmly express yourself, while being respectful towards the emotions of the other person, you are more likely to raise the level of understanding in your relationship.

Be aware that sometimes things won’t drastically change, especially if you see that you simply have differing opinions. But, offering mutual understanding and acceptance of the differences will bring clarity to the relationship. It won’t be a tense and toxic relationship full of negative emotions when both sides can respectfully voice their concerns to one another.

Reinforce your boundaries in every threatening situation

Whenever an unapproving person pushes your boundaries, set the line straight then and there. The talk doesn’t have to be confrontational, it can be told calmly and respectively.  Here are some of the ways you can set boundaries without being disrespectful towards the other person:

• Thank you for sharing what you think is in my best interest, but I like to do things differently.
• I understand if that is your opinion, but I don’t agree and choose to go with my opinion. I respect if you choose to do something else.
• I don’t allow you to talk to me in that way. Please, either change your tone or I will leave the room.
• This is who I am. You can accept that, or we could go our separate ways. I wouldn’t like that, but if it’s the only thing possible then be it.

The way we build up negative feelings is usually by repeatedly ignoring and not sharing that we’re hurt by what the other person says or does. So, share how you feel and calmly explain why and how another person acts. If the behavior persists, in the future you can again reinforce your boundaries when another similar situation comes up. To prove the point and bring it to another person’s awareness, you can also point out when they do the same thing that you have previously told them that you don’t like.

Naturally, you can expect friends and family to sometimes not listen to you. If that is the case, find consolidation in the next two tips.

Find your support system

We all need support. So, if you can’t find it in your current circle of family and friends, reach out. Thankfully, today we have social media platforms where we can all find people with similar opinions and identities.

This, naturally, doesn’t mean completely cutting ties with people that you already know, but you can restrict the topics you talk about to the ones that you have in common. If a relative of yours doesn’t understand and approve of your LGBTQ identity, don’t open those topics. Also, if they do persist in their wish to repeatedly bring the topic to argue with you, find another relative that can interfere and change the topic.

The same tactics can be applied to friends too.  Maybe there is this great friend who has the same taste in music as you, but they don’t approve of your identity. You can talk about music with them while talking about private LGBTQ topics with another friend of yours who understands, values, and respects you as you are.

Furthermore, get the help of a therapist. All of these things I’m mentioning are far easier to be said than done. A skilled, supporting therapist can help you understand yourself and others better while helping you in finding healthy ways of setting boundaries and solving social dilemmas.

Restrict the time you pass with unsupportive people

You don’t have to spend a lot of time with people that bring you down or don’t understand you. Of course, there are times when you can’t get away from the situation. This is the case when, for example, you live or work with a person like that. In that case, repeatedly talking about the topic and trying to find a middle ground is the most you can do.

But, if there is a possibility to restrict the time you pass together with people that don’t accept your LGBTQ identity, do it. For example, you can visit your family, but don’t have to stay until the end of the gathering, or sleep in the same house as the unsupportive relative. Or, you could visit an event for a while, but go away when it becomes too much for you.

In the End

Fighting and arguing with people that disapprove of your LGBTQ identity can be exhausting and very hurtful. Especially if those are your close friends and family – the very people you most need support from.

Be aware of what it is that you need, openly share your thoughts and emotions, and reinforce your boundaries whenever they pass the line. Also make sure that you find your true support system, people that will understand you and will hear you out when you need to vent. Lastly, if nothing else works, restrict the time you pass with people that are disapproving of your LGBTQ identity.

Remember, this is your life and you have every right to live it on your own terms. Get the help of an understanding and professional therapist. With therapeutic help, you can learn healthier ways of thinking, communicating, and acting.